This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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