I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
