this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
