it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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