im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
