Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
