There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize