I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
