I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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