Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize