Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
