I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
