did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize