Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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