This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize