so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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