what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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