wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
