For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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