dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
