Your face is a jimmy john
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
