my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
