why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
