Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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