I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
