i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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