I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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