I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
