And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
false alarm. still invincible.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
