I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
