the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
we're making bets on your personal life
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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