On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
