please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
