I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
