thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
