Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
