if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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