soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
