im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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