I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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