i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
