She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
