I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
