Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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