the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
