im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
