If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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