Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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