why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sext me about skeletons
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
