When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
