we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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