I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
