Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Couch. On fire.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
