Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
