I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
