theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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