Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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