I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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