The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
