did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
