i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
