dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
