why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize