So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Randomize
