you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
