K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
