I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
