I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
