I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
