So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
